Right… where to begin. I’ve always wanted to write a blog, but never known what topic I should pick. So I’ve decided to write about my journey to finding my true self and creating a life and job I love.
From my teenage years I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety. I never went to a Doctor about it or saw a psychologist though, as I really didn’t want to admit to anyone how much I struggled and I hid it from pretty much everyone around me. I had many times where I saw no point in going on, where I felt completely worthless and didn’t see any reason to my life, but I still pretended to all those around me that I was fine. I don’t think even my family knew how drastically unhappy I was, even when I cried myself to sleep night after night. During those years, my mood constantly spiralled up and down though the times of darkness definitely lasted longer than those of happiness. Most of my life was spent living on autopilot and I can’t really remember many moments where I felt true joy or happiness.
About a year ago I decided enough was enough and I needed to get to grips with what was going on. I didn’t want to keep living a life that was so ruled by my emotions and negative thoughts, so I took to the internet and looked for ways I could make myself happy! The main things that came up during this search that ‘spoke’ to me were meditation, journaling and podcasts, all of which have been key to my journey and I will write more on this in another post.
So, I am now definitely more in control of my mind and I realised the other day that I actually no longer think of myself as depressed! I’m not going to lie, I still have times when all I want to do is cry and I struggle with finding the good in my life, but they are just small blips that only last a day, not weeks or months. I’m now at a point where I want to truly connect with who I am, as for years I have hidden parts of me I thought were wrong or stupid. I wanted to fit in. I wanted the people around me to be proud, so I did the things I thought would would create that, but this caused so many internal struggles. I jumped from job to job because I never felt like what I was doing was worthwhile or I was too strong willed to be managed by people who had zero respect for their employees or those who had priorities and values that were the complete opposite of mine. This led me to the field I am in now and in October 2018 I re-trained as a massage therapist as I wanted to help people on a more holistic level and it was also a career I could go self-employed in. Even though I do really enjoy my work, I still have the feeling that I’m supposed to be doing more, that I’m not yet working to my true potential or found my life’s purpose. Deep down I know I am here to do more and that I can live the life of my dreams… even if those around me tell me it’s not realistic. One thing this journey so far has taught me is that it is MY journey, not anyone else’s, and if I believe I can do something then the only person who can stop me from achieving that is myself.
Holistically Happy 